sunglasses, at night.

I'm freezing!  I'm offshore, probably going back to the beach tomorrow, and it's winter!  Even in the Gulf of Mexico!  My tootsies are so cold and have those little spots where there's just a complete absence of feeling.  I am not fond of that feeling, but I have only a few more hours til I retire to my room for my nightly hot shower before bed.  For some reason today I was ravenous for meat, and, it being steak day, I had a gi-normous steak for lunch (which is really my breakfast, since my shift starts at noon), so my body is probably still just diverting all blood flow to the buddha to break down such an unexpected feast.

I've almost been out on this rig for a week.  The first week is typically the hardest, since it takes that long to re-accustom oneself to the confinement of living and working on a boat or rig.  Once the first week is over, it gets much easier, although I'm saying this from the comfort of knowing I'll be leaving within the next few days.  Really though, it does get easier.

I may be back on the beach in time for Mardi Gras!  And might wander into the festivities, even just by myself, just to experience it a little.  I'm not sure my friend who lives in Nola would be up for anything, since he works a normal-type job, but I think it would be fun to get a little lost, provided I could find a way to get there and not have to walk forever, or pay through the teeth for parking! 

Here's a funny observance I made today.  I want to go home, not necessarily to the staid 9-5, Monday-Friday I left 3 years ago, but I would like to actually have a home and a somewhat normal existence in Minnesota.  I fantasize about having a really calming, soothing little house, and to be able to have brunch with my parents or whatever (sincerely, this is what I dream of! So funny for one who couldn't wait to get away.).  So, obviously, the first step is looking for a job, or finding something that would allow for a more regular schedule, or simply more time at home.  Today I found myself researching degree programs necessary to become an HSE rep (basically a safety representative offshore, a third-party contractor in most cases, hired by the petrol companies).  I don't really want to do that job, but am finding myself in this place where the only place I can think to go from here is to doing something else out here.  I don't really want to work offshore anymore, the lifestyle is hard and pretty uninspiring, not very healthy, so I would much prefer to get away from it altogether.  But it's the rub, that since I'm here, I'm not sure how to go anywhere else, or do anything else.

I remember reading once, probably in an Anthony Robbins book, that it's all about association, that what largely drives our behavior are the things associate to one another.  Like, if I associate being thin with being appreciated only for superficial characteristics (a negative association), I'll subconsciously never allow myself to become thin, to avoid causing myself that pain.  Which explains why we sabotage ourselves so easily in the areas of health, success, relationships, etc.  But it also works with positive associations, which may not always manifest as positive in our lives.  To use the earlier example, it's the 2nd side of the same coin that maintaining my weight at slightly above ideal is just a little safer, maintains a more comfortable degree of anonymity, let's say.

So, what I'm trying to figure out is what I associate being offshore with, what's the positive association that keeps me here?  It will 2 years since I moved from California on March 8th, and I genuinely think I would have already moved on if there wasn't something keeping me here, in the sense that this job, this environment, this type of work is feeding something in me.