23 January 2008


Freedom is sort of intoxicating, though not conducive to writing entries in my blog, apparently.

I don't have tons to say, or maybe I have tons to say, but can't/won't/don't want to begin? Here's one thing: I'm still very much freaked out about figuring out what's next, about simply accepting what's next, about moving on to what's next. Like being stuck in the present, a classic image of the ostrich:

unfortunately, yes.

I don't know what makes this so difficult or scary, or so hard to just get started. Maybe if I stopped trying to figure it out, I might be clearer on what I want. On the other hand, I haven't gotten anywhere as yet, so I fear even worse stagnation if I don't try.

It feels like a big, giant hand is wrapped around my mid section, squeezing really hard, when I think about this stuff.

06 January 2008


Back in SB now. I've decided to extend my stay in Cali into February, staying in my apartment until sometime mid- to late-Feb. I hesitated to make the decision, having wanted to leave here mid-January, but I realize a bit of time to get my life in order, to actually feel somewhat prepared when I leave, will be welcome. It feels right.

If I didn't have the opportunity to see while I was in the cities, please know I was thinking of you, and wanted to see you. Each successive trip back to the midwest has become shorter, meaning less time to see friends, simply because the travel days are long and tedious, and in between them I want to relax, which means fewer social engagements, or asking others to come to me, which I'm really not so good at. So, my apologies for not having the time, but you were on my mind ;)

Being back has been good. I've decided to use weekdays to look for work (both interim and long-term), and make phone calls. But I've also decided to have dedicated time for relaxation and enjoyment, and it's been awesome. I spent Friday doing stuff (yoga, researching companies, looking for temp work), then took the whole weekend for hanging out, watching movies (Better Off Dead, Notes on a Scandal, Sweeney Todd), reading, eating, sleeping. And it was lovely. I suppose some people are really good at this, dividing their time and making the best of all of it. I feel like I'm just figuring out how important this is, and how much more productive.

bait dock, Santa Barbara Harbor.