doubt.

Sometimes I can't help but wonder if I've made the right decision to leave. This weekend I doubted.

I've begun to prepare in earnest for my departure. There's really no time to spare, after all. My schedule is packed with activities: tomorrow yoga and happy hour @ memory lanes, Wed. dive program and b-day bash, gone all weekend with my bitcthes (not a typo) @ SJU. I leave work next Wednesday and go directly into 5 days of camping with varying groups of beloved individuals. That leaves about a week of time for packing and decluttering. Considering I've got an apartment of stuff to either: donate, pack in my vehicle, or pilfer away in random basements, time is not on my side.

While simultaneously packing and celebrating, I must also prepare for my arrival both at school and in Santa Barbara itself. On the verge of freakout last Friday morning, I started responding to housing postings on Craigs list. Several sounded good and I crafted lovely emails to send, and left delightful messages, in an attempt to convince potential roommates (housing in SBA is trop cher to live on one's own) what a fitting addition to their household I'd make. Unfortunately, I didn't get any responses. Being the best impatient and needy me I can be, the lack of response was uber frustrating and mildly depressing. By the time I was leaving Saturday morning for a family gathering, I'd heard back from only one person, who wouldn't rent to someone without having met them in advance (and reasonably so).

Saturday afternoon was spent chasing my wee niece around, carrying her up and down a lakeside hill, chatting intermittently with my family, gorging on delicious summertime bbq food and bevs, staring out across a sunny Wisconsin lake. Sometime that evening, the doubts started setting in. They included thoughts on leaving my niece Emily, arguably my most favorite person in the whole world, only 2 1/2, that she'll forget me, and will be shy when I come for visits, and she'll never learn to say "aunty Ang". Those snowballed into thoughts on logistics: can't register for classes, can't find housing, don't know anyone in Santa Barbara. More on finances, and not being able to manage all my belongings, and the state of my vehicle. The general sentiment became that none of it was ever going to work out, and it had been a foolish endeavor to even begin considering. This morning, I'd all but convinced myself to still move, but to leave off the going to school part, and just live there for a year, gain residency, work some nonsense job...

Of course, it being a dread Monday, and me, in the car, driving to dread job... I was reminded why I want to do this in the first place.

Fickle, impatient, monkey mind.

(And upon checking email this morning, found a promising response from Linda, part-time student of Oriental Medicine and Forest Ranger, roommate of Cheryl, who manages a dance studio.)